Cebu really is a small, small world. Every now and then, malls and parks felt like one big game of hide-and-seek from people I went to highschool with or college blockmates I avoided like the plague. Sometimes I’d see the hyperactive boy who sat beside me in the fourth grade, and I’d run the opposite direction. Though, for some reason, I can never leave. Every song on the radio is the same, after all, but even if a spry group of friends dream big enough to fill stadiums and fields, it’ll be the same four chords.

Habang nagtatanghilain kami nabanggit ng aking ama ang sumusunod: “Gusto kong mahirapan siya, gusto kong maparusa siya.” Ang taong tinutukoy ng tatay ko ay isang lalaking maraming beses na naging sentro ng iilang pag-uusap at pakikipagtalo tuwing kumakain. Halos isang dekada na kaming mag-ama, maging kaming buong pamilya, na nag aaway at nadadala sa sigaw dahil sa iisang tao na ito. Isang tao na kamakailan lang ay walang sawang paghahanga at kung minsa’y pagsasamba sakanya ang nagagawa ng pamilya ko, lalo na ang papa ko. Isang tao na sa tatlumpu’t taong niyang pagiiral sa dyaryo at isipan ng mga Pilipino, ay tunay na nagbigay kahulugan kung anong klaseng bansa at samakatuwid, anong klaseng tao tayo. Ang taong nais makita ng aking ama maghirap at maparusahan ay si Rodrigo Duterte.

Whenever somebody finds out that I am a lesbian, it always garners a mixed bag of reactions. Some people would immediately have this expression on their face like things suddenly clicked into place, while others would have such a huge reaction like they weren’t expecting me to be one. It was sort of understandable, given that I never really… look like a lesbian? Maybe it’s the lack of carabiners.

When I was born, I wasn’t a woman, but a blank canvas. But because of my sex, I was already assigned the role of a woman before I could even pronounce my name. The physician who tended to me likely wondered what kind of husband I would have in the future, and my parents probably speculated how many children I would give birth to someday, even when they only held a creature with no sense of self-identity in their arms.

Off to the right of my peripheral vision was this mysterious orange glow just outside our bedroom door where our altar was. My parents rushed to and from the bathroom and the bedroom door with buckets of what I can only assume was water as I sat on the bed, confused and with no idea of what was going on. It was past midnight, and I was half asleep. Everything seemed like a blur to me. I had not known it yet, but a candle that was not properly put out a few hours ago had just grown into something that we almost could not control.