My dad is the biggest provider, which is why I continue to look up to him. An OFW seafarer with two kids to feed, putting clothes on their backs, a roof over their head, and giving them a bright future is no ordinary task. He set a really good example, something that still resonates with me to this day, as his constant presence reminds me of what I should ideally be: a family man with a generous heart. It is a widely-accepted belief in our family that men should be providers or breadwinners. You can play as many roles as you want in life, but at the end of the day this is your bottom line, point blank period. I had no problem with that whatsoever. It was practical and utilitarian in nature. It was a life philosophy that was easy to understand for a ten year old with fingers full of cheese powder after having one too many bags of Cheetos.

Despite the fact that I was blessed with such clarity as a child, I did what most kids do: not pay attention. I was young, hopeful, free-spirited and yet bound to the chains of romance. And ever since then, I experienced plenty of rejections, and every time I got turned down, I learned plenty of lessons along the way. Work on your appearance, get better hygiene, and most importantly, be very well put together. A finished product, if you will. 

After all, why would you offer a seat for someone if you haven’t set the table?

It has been ingrained into my entire being that a man has to provide. Make the money, put the food on the plate, a roof over everybody’s head, and be the foundation that keeps things intact. My dad had instilled that to me ever since I was a kid, and I have practiced that in my academics and extracurriculars. Every instance that I lead a group project, an organizational activity, or even planning out my personal schedules, it all boiled down to the fact that every step was toward being worth something. It was all sunshine and rainbows until I obviously had some very low points. It fast tracked my burn out when all I realized was that I was not really worth anything on the inside. If you looked past my achievements (or lack thereof), my fulfilled responsibilities, the completed tasks, or events I’ve attended to volunteer in, I was absolutely nothing. Once I’m home from a long school day with a bunch of org works, I just head straight to bed to do the same thing all over again, continuously asking myself if what I’m doing is enough.

My family gave me everything and more. With the amount of gratitude that I have received it is a no-brainer choice to give plenty in return. However, it became increasingly difficult when I realized that I could never repay what my family has done to raise me to be the person I am today. I am no stranger to utang na loob, but I’m glad my parents never really pushed that narrative to me now, but they sure did remind me of that a lot back in my formative years. Regardless of coercion, a birthright, or some symbol of divinity, I want to give back to my family, and especially to the friends that have helped me through thick and thin.

The same mentality that keeps me going, is also the one that makes me feel behind.

This is why the romance department remains a struggle. It’s a shame for me to admit it, but I am man enough to say it: Everytime I see a place I want to go to that I really like, whether if it’s a fancy restaurant, an artisanal coffee shop, a ceramic pottery class, or some bakery that sells pastries that take up my entire week’s budget, I tell myself, “Puhon, kung maka-uyab nako. (Soon, when I get a girlfriend)”. It may sound sweet at first, as if I am planning hypothetical dates for a hypothetical significant other, but honestly it’s a comedic blanket to cover the fact that I am not in the income bracket to financially sustain such an expense yet. I may be single, but I can’t be single AND broke. I can always take a girl out to dinner and I am always good for it with how meticulous I am with the budget, but the necessary fear that I have is that it might end up half-assed, so I put off that thought because I just don’t have the resources yet to provide.

I recall a video I saw where a priest talks about how love is the ultimate sacrifice. You sacrifice everything, even the things that have not happened yet, and especially the things you don’t even have. A mother sacrifices her future for her child, a father sacrifices his personal opportunities to support his family, and an eldest sibling gives up their free time to help their brothers and sisters. Essentially, love does not come with happiness and feel-good emotions, but from giving up one really meaningful thing to provide for another who is not just worth all the trouble, but also all the love. That scares me more than it inspires me because I often equate sacrifice with generosity.  Rather than making it push me to work hard to give it all away, I would much rather do all the work and reap the reward for myself. But I ask myself, “what do I even do with it?”. The thought process of providing and sharing all comes back to me, not because I can’t keep a good thing for myself, but mostly because I don’t think I even deserve it. 

Thankfully, those days no longer happen that often, unlike the self inflicted male loneliness epidemic narrative I often revolved around back in high school. It’s not that I am no longer tied to my responsibilities, but it’s as if the leash has been loosened a little bit just long enough that I’m able to smell the flowers. I have the time to hang out with people more, I’m looking after my own wellbeing, and I am actually able to choose which struggles to pick. Much to my dismay, however, even if I had all or none of the autonomy in the world, nothing could shake off the thought of having absolutely no intrinsic self-worth. If I do not give my time, efforts, labor, or something else that’s tangible, I’m next to nothing. It was (and still is) a learned behavior, instilled by my family (at a young age), whatever media I was consuming, and the most prominent being how my father was able to keep things running smoothly for decades working really hard overseas. It’s a really strong influence and no amount of words of affirmation or some other self-soothing voice that tells me “You’re enough just as you are right now” can make me think otherwise. 

That mentality’s affected my perspective of my simple day-to-days, which is probably why I put off a lot of things for later. Delayed gratification can only do so much when all you see is work and none of the reward simply because you chose to reap the fruits of your labor when you no longer have the energy to enjoy it. I’ve put off dating, road trips, family trips, and a bunch of other social functions because I don’t have the budget, or maybe I’m just not there yet. Money is a hefty expense, which is why I pay the cost with my own time. It just does not make sense for me to give something I do not have or something people just cannot see.

My therapist has continuously drilled into my head that there is a difference between the reality I continue to imagine and what the reality actually is. However, I still cannot get it out of my head. Others may see it as a choice but I see it as an eventuality. Regardless of how many detours I will take in my journey, I will still arrive at that same destination. Be a man and get on with it. I’m grown enough to know that I have to do it, but I can’t just turn off my emotions and keep a stone cold face whenever I encounter a mind-altering life event. Perhaps there are better days ahead of me, and maybe I will find the answers, but for now I will just keep my head down and focus on the next tasks that I have to do.

As I continue to struggle how to end this piece of work, (because I probably won’t be able to see the end of this) all I could really say is I don’t know if it gets better or not, but I sure do know it becomes easier to handle. You don’t wish for lighter burdens, but for a back strong enough to carry heavier ones. I keep my mental health in check every now and then, and try to always remind myself that the life I live now was simply just pleas and prayers from high school. 

Providing may be an essential cornerstone of my existence, but I like to think I am more than what I give. And maybe someday, the people around me will start to recognize that.